Monday, May 17, 2010

Way Back in History

"And finally, a more dangerous factor than mere prejudice or any wilful violence of statement: the author of the Annales presents characters and arranges events in undue coherence. That is the manner of historians of every age."

Sir Ronald Syme

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Pop Song 'Misleading' on Benefits of Tennessee Whiskey

Chicago— The American Dental Association released a statement today cautioning against the use of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey to promote oral hygiene.

The association’s concern has mounted in response to pop singer Kesha’s hit song “Tik Tok” wherein the artist discloses that she brushes her teeth “with a bottle of Jack.”

“One of the problems we’re constantly faced with is conveying the importance of oral hygiene to young people,” said ADA president Ronald Tankersley. “They seldom make time for good brushing habits as it is, and now Kesha’s infectious rhythm and inspired lyrics are compounding the problem by spreading misinformation about what constitutes those habits.”

Tankersley and the ADA recently sponsored a study in conjunction with Procter & Gamble, the makers of Crest toothpaste, on the relative benefits of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey and conventional toothpaste. “The results were really striking,” said P&G CEO Robert McDonald. “Not only did the test group’s dental health suffer, their behavior seemed affected as well.” McDonald cited reports of decreased productivity, traffic violations, violence, depression and sexual promiscuity among members of the test group.

Also noticeable was an increased attraction to Kesha’s music. “It seems to be a downward spiral,” McDonald explained. “You listen to Kesha, she tells you to brush your teeth with the stuff, and then when you do it you want to listen to her even more.” Asked what factors were likely to initiate this cycle, McDonald answered that his data was inconclusive, but he did note Kesha’s “pumpin’ beat, sick style and poetic genius”.

Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey does not contain a significant quantity of sodium fluoride or an effective abrasive. “It also doesn’t really taste very good,” Tankersley added.

Both Tankersley and McDonald expressed interest in comparing their data with Kesha, who was unavailable for comment. Nevertheless, sources close to the pop star thought collaboration would likely be forthcoming. “She kicks ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger,” said one source, speaking on condition of anonymity. Both men are old, wealthy, white and heavily wrinkled.

“I’d also like to find out how that dollar sign in her name is pronounced,” said Tankersley, who admitted to occasionally spelling his own name “Tanker$ley.”

Friday, May 7, 2010

Watching You

Creepasaurus Rex:

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Faster Than A Cannonball

A conversation during the Broad Street Run, circa mile 8:

Runner: So why did you decide to run barefoot?
Jesse: Well, I had read about it, and I thought it was interesting, so I did some training, and...
Me: He is lying to you. He forgot his shoes in Maryland.
Jesse: ...that's actually true.